Dead Internet

As I scroll through my phone passing the 5th video of the day saying something mean about my ex the Dead Internet Theory pops into my mind. Originally a dismissed conspiracy theory when it first gained traction just over a decade ago is now a lot more probable and I believe completely true. It’s basically the idea that most of the internet is comprised of bots and automated content manipulated by algorithms, essentially making the internet ‘Dead’ as genuine human activity is lacking. Instagram knows I was mad at someone with a certain name, I get all these posts sharing aggression and insults using the name of the person that wronged me from bot accounts and posts and I think “I bet these videos exist for almost every single name” because I was shown other names two “you should never date people with these names” were videos that would come up. I didn’t like them, or share, it just knew by how long I stared that I recognised a name, and eventually was able to widdle it down. How many accounts exist just to say mean things about a person with a specific name? I think a lot. And I am convinced of the Dead Internet theory and mourn the internet I knew and loved as a teen. But hey, at least (for now) I seem to have stopped getting those AI fruit drama videos. You know what I am getting a lot of? AI voices reading old reddit stories (many of which are also AI) that go nowhere over videos of people playing Minecraft or decorating a cake. Reddit has been around for over two decades, the amount of content for these videos is endless. Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian has been quite vocal about this theory in recent times, posting last year ““it’s not if most of what we see online will be AI-generated. It’s that it already is.”

Ok, social media is filled with terrible AI slop and consumerist ads. We all know this by now. But what does it mean? One thing I’ve seen a lot of recently is sped up clips from a movie or a TV show, with an AI voice reading an AI script recap of what happened only… having seen some of the shows or movies, I know are completely incorrect and is the AI only extrapolating data from the few clips shown and making its own ideas. There’s also a low hum of another voice describing more stuff, barely audible, but enough to give the algorithms more information and know who to push it to. Most of the time it’s the wrong show or movie in the caption. These videos aren’t good story telling, they aren’t entertaining, and they don’t point people in the right direction to actually experience the piece of media how it was intended? I’m sounding old now (recently a girl asked if my Microsoft Word Clippy earrings was the fork from toy story 4, don’t worry though “No it’s from an old Microsoft retro video game) but I feel my brain melting. Not only that, I can’t imagine how I would be if this is the content I was being fed when I was learning and developing how stories work. Our children are being taught by AI and we don’t know the effects of this but it can’t be good.

This is a topic that I could go at length talking about, I think at this stage anyone could, but I’ve already gone on longer than expected for just a fleeting thought. Here we are, all of us, with the most incredible tool at our disposal for connection, sharing ideas and learning and most of us use it for quick dopamine hits while ignoring our priorities. What was the internet for me? It was where I could share my videos and.. people would watch them. This was before YouTube was oversaturated and people were really.. seeing your stuff. I look down all the videos with my face (which I wish I didn’t as all of the files are lost to time) when I was a teenager and worried about my crush seeing the embarrassing ones. I was a weird kid with no friends and the internet opened up this whole new world of possibility exploding my creativity. I’ll never forgot graduating school and a girl I barely talked to, who I thought hated me, complimenting me on my twitter, how she’s followed me for years and relates to a lot I said. Now, human connectivity is hard because of all this AI slop and consumer based algorithms… so how do we combat this? ART now more than ever artists need to connect, work towards a new artistic movement to combat the dead internet and help people feel live again. I moved to Chicago because of art.

That past couple of months for me have been extremely informative, but also difficult. I moved country partly to challenge myself, to force myself to learn hard lessons, and three years that’s what happened. Understanding just how Autistic I am, and always has been has broad on a whirlwind of emotions. I realised how much I really hated myself, and how low my dating standards actually were. To be fair, I think that second part is also partly due to cultural differences. A guy I did not know, talk to, or make any contact with asked me if I wanted to dance. I panicked and said no reflectively because my brain was processing. An Irish man would never have that audacity or confidence. I found myself running into this same situations where I think men, romantically, cared about me more than they actually did, because they were nice to me. But that’s kind of the basics right? Anyway I’m trying this new thing called self-integrity, hopefully it works out.

It’s hard to be a better person because with that comes a hard confrontation with ways you have hurt people in the past, and it’s hard to do that in a healthy way that doesn’t involve beating myself up, because as natural as that feels it doesn’t benefit anyone, because you can’t get better until you learn self-compassion. I would always feel my struggles are nothing compared to others, that I’ve had an easy life and my struggles all come down to something inherently wrong with me. Now I’m breathing and accepting that… you know what. It’s been a really hard few months, a lot of shit went down and I need to accept it. That my life wasn’t as easy as I thought and that coupled with my disabilities that I full on gaslit myself into believing I didn’t have. There are tools I never learned, and because I make mistakes doesn’t make me a bad person.

I was 21 years old when I discovered you’re meant to ask people questions and it’s a bad thing if you don’t. When people ask me questions I panic so I thought I was actually doing the other person a favour, I wasn’t. I’m also always worried I’ll accidently ask a triggering questions. I now do my best to ask questions as painful as it is. I also have this very bad habit of going on a rant and stopping mid story assuming I’m boring everyone. When that happens now I ask if I can go on a rant (Though I probably still over apologies for it too much). I feel like I’ve spent my whole life apologising and trying to be a better person my whole life that I’ve inadvertently stopped my own potential. When I was in playschool we all sang a song, I had a good ear and was singing it back perfectly, I looked around and because I sounded different than everyone else, I stopped myself singing correctly and started singing out of tune to match those around me which is… pretty deep when you think about it.

In a city as big and beautiful as Chicago I’m trying to be myself more, understanding that myself is different to others for various reasons, and I’m going to get misunderstood, and that’s ok. And I’m doing to be myself, no filter. This past weekend ended up being a complete gift that I am not going to take for granted. Coming out of a rough time can be tough, anxiety is heightened as my social muscles aren’t as strong. Friday night I performed with my improv team Creature Feature at the Playground. I was so nervous going there, I had to pace in front of the building a couple of times before going upstairs. I was worried a certain someone would be there, that vibes would be weird, that I am a terrible improvisor and shouldn’t be on the team at all. I went, everyone was nice to me, it took me a few minutes performing to get out of my head and remember this is meant to be fun and not everything needed to be over analysed of perfect, I mean it’s Improv for goodness sake! Afterwards people compliment ME and specific decisions. I find it hard to trust reality. I’ve learned my particular flavour of. Neurodiversity made me THINK I was great at reading people, but I was reading everything as negative. But I’m learning to take people at face value. What reason would they have to lie? I think I find it hard to accept that not everyone knows everything about me. It’s weird how people can have wildly different perceptions of a person or a situation. This is why clarity is key. I don’t mean to be a bad person I just get confused. But afterwards I had drinks and karaoke and remember… oh I do have friends, people DO like me. Simple, and it’s ridiculous how and why that is so hard to accept.

Saturday I was meant to go to the Great Gathering (a small new independent awesome music festival) that brought so much Joy to my soul in the past. Unfortunately the festival was postponed due to a storm and work to restore the farm but I’m excited to go at some point in the fall a party with music acts from 4pm-1am. I arrive at 6pm, again having to pace around the block a couple of times before forcing myself the courage to go in (I mean, I know I can hear music coming from inside, and there was a sign, but still… what if it’s the wrong house?). I get there. I’m awkward. The main room was filled as chill played. I barely knew anyone. I go into to listen to the music but have to leave and stay in the kitchen towards the back. The room was so still, I couldn’t understand it, I needed more stimulation, or movement as I still had all that ‘first arrive at party anxiety’ (Surely that’s not just me?). I didn’t feel comfortable enough to be the only thing in the room causing movement. I remembered there were people in that back talking, that were nice and pleasant when I arrived so I thought I’d join that conversation.

Someone was in the middle of a long speech, I missed the start but what I could gather it was about pesticides are bad and we need to learn to live with the bugs. I chimed in, just making one comment AS A JOKE fully expecting him to still finish his point. I was COVERED in mosquito bites, as most of us were “Ah but sure do we REALLY need mosquitos”. I’m met with glares, it’s weird and awkward and someone else goings “Oh they were actually in the middle of a really great thought so I want to let them finished” they finished the other person “wow that was so brace of you to share and feel”. I didn’t say anything. I feel out of sync I get up, go back to the kitchen and realise just how autistic a moment that was (I’m noticing that a lot these days) and am trying not to cry. The clowns have yet to arrive. I miss my clown people. I still don’t know if I was in the wrong. Was I just some bitch that came in and interrupted their conversation in a way that was rude and aggressive but I was just trying to be playing? The thought consumed me, and I almost left. But then I thought. Well…. Are those really the type of people I want to communicate with? People who don’t make me feel welcome or help include me when I’m clearly feeling awkward? I think how I would react in that situation, I would have maybe given me a little explanation after everything had finished instead of ignoring me. Those aren’t my people and they’re not mad at me. I’m just autistic and went in and was kind of weird. Doesn’t mean EVERYONE at this party is like this? That no one wants to talk to me (which I assumed). So I powered through and then ended up talking to great people and had a great night.

I was expressing my love and knowledge of clown and theatre giving recommendations to people that were… interested, while amazing musicians were playing, in a house filled with love and kindness. And, people remembered and complimented my performance the previous year (which I thought was awful and cobbled together) and I was called a staple of the festival and I almost cried. And I realised this is why I moved to Chicago, to attend these types of events where I’m able to talk about my craft, about art, and have my performances seen and remembered. There is some amazing beautiful arts in this city. I sometimes feel like a sniffer dog finding the art that I think is the most exciting, and it led me to Chicago. And the past 3 years I have seen some incredible art grow, from this festival. There’s an artistic movement happening in this city that I want to be a part of how ever I can. Also, in true Irish fashion I ended up leading a charge to the store to get more beer when we ran out. The hosts were grateful, but honestly it was entirely selfish because the reality is I just wanted another beer.

There’s been lots of factors to the intensity of the past few months, few years, few decades even. And I’m lonely. But that’s normal, to be expected, I’m living in a foreign land and I’m recently single. But I remember my artistic sense of smell, and how despite it all it has led me to some incredible events and communities that I only dreamt was possible as a kid.

It’s hard to accept how much self-hatred and doubt I have, and instead of brushing of this weekend I am going to grateful and full of love for myself and my community. And also hold on to things as facts. I am a performer, that’s a fact. I’m drawn to good art. That’s a fact. There’s so much good performance art in Chicago, another fact. That is why I am here. Fact. Some people like me. Fact. Some people don’t like me. Fact. I am not a bad person. Fact. I still have a long way to go, but I’m taking it one step at a time. Learning to love yourself is a constant journey that involves a lot of steps, and a lot of them aren’t easy. But I’m proud of myself and everything I have achieved thus far. And, most importantly, I feel my creative juices slowly starting to come back. I have artistic plans and I want to join others.

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